Lauren Brock

My name is Lauren. I am 16 years of age, having known Toni for 1 and 3/4s years of those 16. I met her Summer ’05 online in UKCB Harry Potter Room. Needless to say we are the veterans of that room and always will be as far as I’m concerned. We bantered, swapped email addresses, phoned each other and planned to meet up. Living in Scotland proved a difficult feat in that aspect, but we always planned around it. We created many scenarios in which we’d meet, and when we finally did it was fantastic- in Preston Train station. I am upset it was only a few minutes, but I’d rather that than never having met her at all.

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A piece about Toni written on the 29th April 2007.

Antonia Louise Monica Parkinson. No amount of words can sum that girl up. We can describe her, yet modern language does no justice for the amount and extent of her abilities, talents, mannerisms and characteristics. Those who knew her long and well found out individually what a truly wonderful person she was.

I knew her for a year and a half almost. I celebrated two New Years with her, and both mine and her birthdays for the year 2006. She and I were very close- even though we only met once, a memory I intend to treasure forever, and needless to say there is a large hole in my heart where she lived. She is still with me, but I’m not going to pretend that I’m fine with her only being partly there. Because I’m not. She was my best friend, and with her now gone, I’m rather empty.

We did argue on occasion- more a clash of personalities than actual fighting, but they were minor in comparison to the banter and jokes we shared. I love Toni very much, she was indeed one of my best friends. We had seen each other through some rough times and I was extremely happy upon her and Dave getting together- I had never seen her so happy and giddy. Jealous, yes, but I ignored that because I was glad for her. Such an amazing person- she and I would have various discussions concerning religion, philosophy, everyday life, Television, David Tennant, Harry Potter, randomness…anything. She always managed to have me in fits of laughter.

I am extremely grateful to Toni, for she introduced me to two wonderful people- Crys and Dave. And even though she is gone, she has left me these two fantastic friends who have taken care of me.

Upon learning of Toni’s death- the day after, I thought it was an extremely sick, horrid joke. I had to find out for myself, and after finding out it was true, I was extremely horror-struck. Having never experienced a death before this was very new- though, nothing can prepare anyone for the loss of a loved one. It was wrong that she died. It was wrong that she was hit by that bus. It was wrong that she never stood any sort of chance. However, it happened. And the only right thing about it happening was that she did die. She wouldn’t have wanted to live a half-life as someone trapped in her own body. She just wouldn’t have been our Toni anymore.

It is extremely sad to say and write all of this. It’s taken me several attempts to complete it. But upon having such an influential person snatched away from you is…horrific. I miss her so much. I miss her humour, her sick jokes, her snide comments, her anger, her happiness, her laughter, her voice…I miss her. I’m never going to physically talk to her again and that is such a painful thought. Probably the most difficult thing for me to do, is talk about her in the past tense. No! I don’t want to have to talk about her in past tense! I don’t want to miss her! I don’t want to say goodbye…

This isn’t about me- it’s about the pain that the few of us close to Toni are experiencing. It’s difficult, this is true. It’s painful. It’s hard. It’s upsetting. It’s affected us all in a way we never wanted to be affected. She was- still is – an incredible girl. I’m not sure if I ever told her that, I hope to God that I did. She deserved to know. So does everyone else. It’s one of those sad lessons in life where you have to experience something painful to pass the lesson. Due to her death, sad to say, I’ve come to appreciate the people I have around me more so than I did before her death. Also, I’ve let it affect my life in an awkward way- I’m scared of crossing roads, I’m scared that when I say see you later to someone that I won’t actually see them later, I’m scared of losing even more precious people in my life. It’s a natural human reaction to death. But it came at a very dear price, didn’t it Pardfurt?

I love you Toni, don’t you ever forget that. I did tell you when you were alive. I also said thank you. I said many things to you that friends say to each other. I’m so happy that I was a part of your life and you of mine. I couldn’t have asked for a finer friend to be honest. It’s hard not talking to you, and it digs a little deeper every day. But I’m trying to be strong, because despite your humour, you wouldn’t want to see me upset. This I know, but I can’t help missing you Toni. A sign that you’re looking out for us would be nice, but not necessary to prove that you’re still with us. Because, as far as I’m concerned, you always will be. I’ll never forget you Antonia, never.

“Life is a journey. But it’s not the end that matters, it’s the friends you meet along the way who make you who you are in the end.”